Beyond the Family Cult

When a name for a group of people is spat out in a tone of angry disgust, this reveals some degree of hatred for the entire group of people.

An example where this is easy to recognize: some people in the United States will, in a social setting where nobody will criticize them for it, say things like “there’s too many damn Mexicans around here.” This is an expression of semi-controlled rage and disgust directed from a safe distance at the entire group of foreigners. To the person expressing themselves this way it typically doesn’t matter whether the people they’re complaining about are actually from Mexico. Anyone with sufficiently dark skin who speaks Spanish is included in the target group.

In a similar way many people will say of someone they perceive as selfish or immature, “they’re so fucking childish.” Almost every time I’ve heard the word used in this sort of context it was loaded with scornful disgust. Not just in its adjective form either—“child” is used in a pejorative way too, as in “he’s such a child.” Weakness, helplessness or sensitivity in a person are sometimes derided by referring to them as “a baby” with the same tone of disgusted rejection.

Using “childish” as a term of contempt is much more accepted in society than expressions of casual racism, and as an insult it often has a heavier impact on the target’s sense of self. Why is this?

As a minority group, children are at the bottom of the power structure of society. Their choices, their freedom to go where they want, their freedom to meet new people and their ability to defend themselves are all quite limited. To linger in this group by not shaping up to standards of adulthood is seen as profoundly shameful because we’re supposed to “just grow up already.” It’s humiliating and extremely stressful to be placed at the bottom of a pecking order, especially when we can so easily place all the blame on ourselves for the demotion.

And the self-blame starts at an early age: many, many children are hated by parents who resent their entirely age-appropriate neediness and immaturity. This hatred can be expressed either overtly through direct verbal or physical attacks, or more covertly through neglect, which is an extremely common form of abuse. To be accused of being “childish” brings us back to the most painful experiences of our lives which often have not been fully processed, if we have much awareness of them at all. Adult society identifies far more with parents who act out their wounds and inner turmoil on their children than with the children who get no choice in who raises them.

When someone sees another adult acting in an immature or pathologically selfish way, this can kick up their mostly-buried feelings of betrayal and rage toward their own parents who were too immature and too selfish to be emotionally present, respectful and available in the way that all children need. But because of the strong social taboo against expressing profound anger toward one’s own parents it is normal to shunt these feelings down onto the “childish” parts of ourselves and sideways onto similar parts of others.

Only in a profoundly sick society could this be normal.